How to find your tribe

A mindset shift to create more fun and meaningful connections

Finding your people in a new place doesn’t have to be hard - with a mindset shift, you can learn to draw them to you

Finding Community in a New Country

In October of last year, I moved across the world to Germany on my own. I only knew two other people in Berlin and unsurprisingly, my first months of Winter were painfully lonely. 

Each weekend as I searched for “Events in Berlin” online, I found a recurring selection of techno parties, events at clubs and bars, and startup events. I ruled out each one for various reasons: I don’t like staying out past midnight, drinking, or networking. In a city with the slogan “party and protest,” I didn’t know how I would fit in or find my people

The one thing I was very sure of was this: I know who I am and what makes me happy. I value health and want to spend my life developing a thriving body and mind so I can help others do the same. I love good conversation, dark humor, home-cooked meals with friends, bike rides through the forest, and music ranging from classical harp to Britney Spears. Above all, I want a tribe of people in my life to share those things with. 

But after a few months of struggling to find that tribe at existing events in Berlin, I decided to focus on drawing them to me. 

Four months later, I finally have the tribe I envisioned: a group of women I appreciate and admire, close friends I can call in an emergency, and a mix of expat and German friends from ages 27 to 64. Here’s how I found them and four ideas I can recommend for anyone struggling to find their people. 

#1. Broadcast a Spontaneous Event

Last Saturday, I woke up to an astoundingly warm and beautiful day and knew exactly how I wanted to spend it: Biking around the Tiergarten - Berlin’s answer to Central Park - and finishing my trip at the Cafe am neuen See drinking a coffee overlooking the lake. 

So that’s exactly what I did. As I sat at the end of my trip with a coffee in my hand and sunlight shining down, I decided there was only one thing that could have made the trip better: good company. 

Luckily, platforms like Internations, Meetup, and Eventbrite all make it easy to create and broadcast events to people with similar interests. Later that day, I signed into Internations, a Meetup site for expats, and created an event for the weekend after: “Bike ride through the Tiergarten + Coffee at Cafe am neuen See” with photos from my first trip. Within a day, all eight spots were filled and the waiting list was growing, along with excited messages from attendees. 

Hosting small, spontaneous events has become a recent hobby. I’ve hosted game nights and bike rides and am planning a picnic and group cooking class. The more I lean into hosting events, the more feedback I get on what works and what doesn’t - and how to advertise the events to reach the people most excited to be there. 

But the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that if you send out an open invitation for something simple and fun you’re already and excited to do, it’s easy to attract good company (or joyfully carry on even if no one joins). 

#2. Compliment Someone You Admire

I’m at a point in my life where I no longer want to compete or compare myself with other people. What I really want is to find ones I admire and whom I can learn from, cheer on, and be myself with. 

I met one such woman about a month ago when she DJed an event I attended. Not only was her music fantastic but I had never seen someone dancing with so much joy. At the end of the event, I made a bee-line for her and blurted out: “I loved your music and it was so fun to watch you having so much fun. Thank you!” 

Appreciative and surprised, she shared that she hosts regular women’s circles and from then on, we became friends. From her, I’ve met a whole group of women I can dance, play, and laugh with. 

Since then, I’ve made it a habit to look for what I admire in others. I’ve complimented people on their dancing, style, or whatever I admire in that moment. In addition to bringing a huge smile to their faces, they often want to connect further and sometimes even recommend dance or art classes they’re taking. I’ve also learned that compliments aren’t confined to those I see in front of me - I’ve written e-mails to compliment local artists and writers, and almost always receive kindness in return. 

#3. Take Yourself on a Date

“Ever loved someone so much, you would do anything for them? Yeah, well make that someone yourself and do whatever the hell you want.” -Harvey Specter

As I shared once before, the idea for taking myself on a date came at a time when I was struggling with Lyme disease and forced to put my romantic life on hold. At times I would fantasize about going out on dates or events just so I could get dressed up. 

Then one day I asked - why couldn’t I take myself on a date?

So one evening, I put on my favorite dress, did my makeup, grabbed a book I was excited to read, and went to a beautiful French restaurant in the neighborhood. Nevermind that I couldn’t eat anything on the menu - I savored a side salad and tea with honey and listened to Charles Trenet as I curled up to read.

The wonderful thing I discovered about taking yourself on a date is that you can live out your exact fantasies while respecting your limitations. I didn’t need to explain to anyone why I couldn’t drink wine or eat cheese, or why I wanted to be home by 9 pm to rest. 

Since then, I plan dates for myself every few weeks or so, especially if my life is feeling a bit stale. My dates are often as simple as dropping into a craft perfume store I’ve wanted to visit, making vegan crepes on a Sunday morning, having a movie night in a bathrobe, or dressing up to head to a new cafe and read a novel. 

The irony of planning a solo date - and why I include it here - is that when I plan a date for myself, I almost always meet other people along the way (granted I leave the apartment). 

I believe that if you’re happy, open, and doing something you’re interested in, other people will gravitate towards you. And if they don’t, you’ll leave the date recharged with no regrets. 

#4. Try a language exchange

Though this option may not appeal to everyone, I’ve found that one of the most interesting ways to make friends is to start learning a new language and signing up for local language exchanges via Tandem. Language exchanges - for German, Italian, and Russian - have brought some of the most interesting people into my life I otherwise wouldn’t have crossed paths with. 

On the surface, I often don’t have much in common with those I meet to speak a language with. 

But language exchanges have a unique advantage to other types of connection: they carry no expectations. Dating or “friendship” apps create the pressure of instant connection or else awkward follow-up texts; sports require skill and effort; even women’s events often create a pressure for instant emotional bonding and connection. 

In contrast, all a language exchange requires is for you to show up and practice speaking another language and listening as someone speaks yours. With that openness and lack of pretense, it’s easy to make friends from all walks of life. 

So if you’re curious, interested in learning a new language, and patient, sign up for a language exchange. You’ll not only gain a skill but connect with historians, poets, songwriters, and people who will change your way of thinking. 

Conclusion

If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that finding your tribe is rarely a random event. The starting point is becoming clear on what you value and choosing to do what brings you joy. 

From there, you extend an invitation to those around you to join in. Whether that invitation is a literal event posted online, a sincere compliment, or just the energy you put out when you’re happy, other people respond to it. If the invitation is clear, people will find you even if you whisper.