How to Use Anger to Evolve Your Relationships
What a stressful housemate relationship taught me about using anger as a catalyst for change
Photo by Nour Wageh on Unsplash
The best lesson I got on handling anger came from the worst housemate I’ve ever had.
I was 24 and jumped at an unbelievably good apartment deal with a girl I vaguely knew from college. Shortly after I moved in and began an intensive 3-month data science bootcamp, the cracks in our relationship emerged. My housemate watched loud action movies at midnight, ignored boundaries, and- because she struggled to be alone- bought an untrained puppy. Every morning at 5 am, I woke up to barking, came home to growling and biting, and woke up again at night to TV and more barking. As polite conversation failed and stress mounted, I reached out to a psychologist family friend, who gave me what may be the best advice on anger I’ve ever received:
“You don’t want to explode and get into an emotional fight and you don’t want to let this escalate any further for your own mental health- there’s a third option. Sit with the anger and clarify what you’re most angry about and what change you need to resolve it. Talk to her and share how you’re feeling and the change you would like to resolve the situation. If she is unable to have a calm conversation and gets explosive, become as solid and transparent as glass: just let the energy pass through you without engaging. If you don’t escalate along with her, the dynamic will collapse.”
I sat in my room and reflected on what bothered me most, and realised that her out-of-control dog triggered more stress in my body than anything else. What I wanted above all else was for her to train her dog, and so the next day, I approached her in the living room as calmly as I could:
“Hey, I need to speak to you about something. I’ve been really frustrated by the barking, the messes, and honestly, I would really appreciate it if you would take your dog to a trainer.”
“She is trained,” she answered.
“No, she’s not. She barks constantly, she tries to bite me, and she leaves messes everywhere. She’s not trained.”
“Well, what do you want me to do?” she snapped back.
“Take her to a trainer.” I said calmly.
There was a pause between us in which her dog began barking hysterically. My housemate glared at me and looked like she was about to yell as I looked back steadily, feeling more curious than enraged at this point.
And then to my total shock, she got up and stormed off, texting my other housemate and I to inform us she couldn’t live in such a toxic environment anymore and was moving out.
The experience was transformative for me. I grew up in a small Connecticut town in a culture where (overly) polite behaviour was the norm- and when an exception occurred, outright anger was bypassed in favor of the cold shoulder. In contrast, moving to New York City was like a crash course in anger management where I struggled with aggression and frustration almost every day.
Though my conversation with my housemate was a major milestone for me, it’s taken me a long time to get comfortable with my anger and use it to create the changes I want. One of the most helpful tools I’ve found has been the book “Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner, which has given me a framework to understand many of the situations I’ve found myself in.
From everything I’ve learned and tried so far, here are the three most critical steps in using anger to transform and evolve your relationships and life:
Own The Problem: Going From “You Are” to “I Feel”
One of the biggest mistakes most people make with anger is to assign the problem to someone else. The English language practically frames our thinking this way: “He made me angry,” or “her behaviour was unacceptable.” But at the end of the day, if we are angry with someone, the problem is ours, not theirs.
With my former housemate, I spent our first few weeks together politely asking her to turn down the TV while privately fuming about how angry and sleep-deprived I was. In my mind, she had problems with respect, boundaries, and manners but in retrospect, I was the one with the problem. I was the one who was bothered by her actions and wanted to change the status quo. I was the one who was angry and therefore, I was the one who needed to draw a line and propose a change. After all, she enjoyed the situation as it was and I didn’t.
If you find yourself angry at someone else, try re-framing the situation: instead of focusing on the person or situation you’re angry at, focus on how you feel and what change you need to see to resolve the situation. This not only helps you clarify your own needs and desires, but it’s a surprisingly effective way to resolve issues with others.
To give a recent example, a friend complained to me that when she and her fiancé went out to dinner together, his poor manners and clothing embarrassed her. “I tell him he looks like a slob and then he just gets annoyed, so it doesn’t work.” I suggested something slightly different: “Instead of judging him, why don’t say something like, ‘I feel disappointed when you wear old shirts and it would mean a lot to me if you could wear nice clothing out and pay attention to certain manners.’” Be clear about how you feel, the exact changes you want, and what it would mean to you.
A few weeks later, she told me in disbelief that by shifting how she framed the situation, her fiancé was willing to listen and make a change.
Breaking the Dance
One of the most powerful insights I got from Harriet Lerner’s book “Dance of Anger” is that anger dynamics actually do function like dances: If the situation is not resolved early on, then everyone learns to play a role, often unconsciously, in perpetuating the dynamic they claim to hate.
With my former housemate, because I didn’t deal with my anger early on, we settled into an ugly dance: she wanted to be together often and share intense emotions, I became distant and bottled up my feelings. She became dominant and explosive, I became cold as ice and avoidant. Each of us fed the other’s reactions until the psychologist taught me how to break the cycle.
“Become like glass” is still a mantra I use for myself when raising my anger and frustration to someone else: it means to be solid in your position and convictions but to avoid engaging in blame, escalation, or anything that de-rails you from focusing on your needs and the outcome you want.
Know The Risk And Hold The Line
Last year, I had one of the hardest conversations I ever had with a friend whom I had been close to for eight years. The conversation was painful not just because I was angry and bitter about certain things she had said and done, but because she had been my best friend for a long time, and I knew this conversation could either save or destroy that relationship.
I did my best to put everything on the table: I apologised for what I had not said earlier and should have said as a good friend, and I shared my frustration and stress over how I felt about certain aspects of her behaviour. I told her the current relationship drained and frustrated me and I told her what I needed going forward: less unnecessary drama, more respect for my time, and a willingness on her end to hear difficult feedback if I was going to be honest. She told me that was something she could definitely do. Within a week, I decided from her behaviour that that was not the case and politely declined all future invitations to get together.
It took me a long time to have that conversation because I knew that if I expressed my anger, something would have to change. In fact, many people complain about friends, spouses, bosses, or family members for years because it’s more comfortable than taking action that can lead to change or loss.
I’ve found that anger always clarifies needs and wants, often at the expense of existing relationships. When you feel anger, it’s uncomfortable because it threatens the existing bonds and pushes for growth and evolution that may or may not be possible for everyone involved.
Anger, Attachment, and Authenticity
When a child is born, the child has two needs: the first is attachment. Attachment is contact, connection, love, and without that the child doesn’t survive…But we have another need as well, which is for authenticity. To know what we feel, to be in touch with our bodies, to express and manifest who we are. -Dr. Gabor Mate
One of my favourite modern psychologists and writers is Gabor Mate, a clinician who studies and writes extensively on trauma and addiction. His books explore trauma, stress, and addiction through beautiful case studies, yet he’s shared that the root of most human stress and trauma is a basic trade-off: attachment vs. authenticity. The struggle between these forces impacts every human being to some degree or another. When we’re young, we almost automatically choose attachment and love because they are crucial to our survival and development.
In the past few years, I’ve started to recognize anger as a gift that bridges the two. It signals our authentic needs and problems, forcing us to acknowledge them. Each time we do, we either break or evolve an imperfect attachment and push ourselves to the relationships that we all want: the ones where we are respected and able to be ourselves.
