How To Find Happiness When Living With A Chronic Illness

Six ways to shift into a state of curiosity, play, and presence

Chronic illness poses a double challenge — to feel both physically well and happy on a daily basis | Photo from Ground Picture on Shutterstock

If there’s anything I’ve learned through chronic Lyme disease and arthritis, it’s that the hardest parts of a chronic illness are often not physical challenges — they’re the loss of joy and narrowing of the world that those challenges can lead to. Chronic illness has a way of not just attacking the body, but the personality and joy in life as well.

In my case, it took away the joy of playing harp, my passion of 17 years. It took away playing tennis, beach volleyball, and pole dance. Every activity that gave me joy seemed to only be a temporary gift.

It changed little things too. I miss reaching out and hugging people without feeling the stiffness of my fingers. I miss going out to eat with friends and not worrying about what to eat. I miss waking up without pain shooting down to my toe.

Chronic illness poses a double challenge — to feel both physically well and happy on a daily basis.

Since the start of this year, that has been my mission: to find happiness, joy, and play in daily life no matter what is going on in my body. I’ve tried old things, new things, and gone outside my comfort zone (hello, German nude spas!) to discover what brings it out.

And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that it’s very hard to go directly to a state of joy or happiness — you first have to find curiosity, play, and presence to lead you there.

Here are the best tips I can offer from experience on finding curiosity, play, and presence on a daily basis, and from there, opening the doors to happiness and joy.

#1 Take a Random Walk

I’ve always found the best way to change your state of mind is to change your location.

In college, a friend and I loved taking long walks through Philadelphia, exploring the narrow cobblestone alleys in the old town, swinging in hammocks on the waterfront, and browsing stores in Center City. On evenings where we felt bold, we would even play a game: pick a restaurant or store to enter, find someone who seems interesting, and ask, “Excuse us, we’re new in town. Can you recommend where we go next for a fun evening?” and we would follow their lead. One evening, it took us from an Irish bar to a dive bar called Tattooed Mom to a blues dancing club behind an Italian restaurant and finally to a 60's diner for milkshakes.

A decade later, if I find myself feeling hopeless or looping through thoughts, I’ll step outside and walk in a direction I haven’t been before. I’ll take three deep breaths and tune into my senses to see what’s there — smells of fresh bread or wet stones after rain, musty second-hand bookshops, or dark cafes with soft lighting and hookahs.

That is the magic of a random walk: it pulls you back to the present, to your senses, and to your curiosity. It has a way of reminding you that no matter how stuck you may feel, there are other possibilities. And from that place of curiosity and discovery, happiness usually follows.

#2 Host a Game Night

After a very intense end to 2022, the thing I wanted most at the start of 2023 was more play in my life. I took inspiration from game nights my family used to have with our neighbors growing up and the way our parents would turn into kids again after a few hours of games.

I wrote to a number of friends who hadn’t met each other, put together a salad and a few small snacks, and put on a “Game Night” playlist on Spotify. Once everyone arrived we dove into the game Wavelength and for the next couple hours, everyone got silly and creative. Wavelength provided the perfect blend of fun prompts, ice breakers, and challenges for a group of strangers to connect.

Game nights — cards, board games, or even charades — have always been some of my favorite ways to bring people together and create an evening of play. They require so little but they let everyone put daily life aside and just be kids for a few hours.

#3 Take Yourself on a Date

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got from a meme was:

“Ever loved someone so much, you would do anything for them? Yeah, well make that someone yourself and do whatever the hell you want.” -Harvey Specter

During my worst periods with Lyme disease or arthritis, I stayed home for many months to rest and take care of myself, which didn’t help my personal life. At times I would fantasize about going out on dates or events where I could get dressed up.

And then I realized — why couldn’t I take myself on a date?

So one evening, I put on my favorite dress, did my makeup, grabbed a book I was excited to read, and went to a beautiful French restaurant in the neighborhood. Nevermind that I couldn’t eat anything on the menu — I savored a side salad and tea with honey and listened to Charles Trenet as I curled up to read.

The wonderful thing about taking yourself on a date, I discovered, is that you can live out your exact fantasies while respecting your limitations. I didn’t need to explain to anyone why I couldn’t drink wine or eat cheese, or why I wanted to be home by 9 pm to rest. And maybe because I was happy and comfortable that evening, a waiter approached me to chat about my book and we ended up staying friends over the next few months.

Taking yourself on a date can be as simple as making popcorn and having a personal movie night or getting dressed up to go to a concert. But the act of setting aside time for yourself and looking forward to it is one of the best ways to create excitement and fun in an otherwise challenging time.

#4 Move Like a Kid

One of my favorite memories of my housemate is when I came home one evening to find him playing 80s music and bouncing on a mini-trampoline. He is 54-years old but at that moment, he looked like a teenager.

He invited me to hop on after him and from that evening, I was hooked. The sudden weightlessness immediately brought back memories from childhood of jumping and laughing with friends. The memory was living in my body and within seconds of bouncing, a huge smile burst onto my face.

That mini-trampoline continues to be a therapy tool in our apartment, useful for breaks during a long workday or as a tool for workouts and dance. It’s shown me that one of the fastest ways to enter a playful state is to move your body the way you did as a kid — whether that’s jumping on a trampoline, ice skating, dancing, or skipping down the street.

#5 Go Social Dancing

The hardest part of arthritis for me has been giving up the hobbies that brought me joy and self-expression: harp and tennis and more recently, volleyball and pole dance. With each one I gave up, I lost not only a passion, but the community it connected me to.

Upon moving to Berlin, I wanted to find a hobby that would not only be fun and easy on my body, but open me up to a broader community. One day an idea hit me: swing dance.

Swing dance is possibly one of the easiest and most fun ways to connect with others. The basic steps are very simple, the music is upbeat and fun, and there are regular dance socials in most cities. In a way, swing is the less sexy cousin of salsa — which is a huge bonus if you’re just looking for some fun and friendship.

Over the past few weeks of a beginner course, I’ve danced with about a dozen people of all ages. The connection is always so simple — a quick hello, a dance, and a high five — but still powerful. In our last class, after a classmate and I struggled and failed to get a move right, we started improvising instead. A few stupid and creative moves later, we were both laughing and sharing a hug.

Swing hits exactly that sweet spot of simple movement, creativity, play, and socializing that makes it the perfect way to have fun and let loose.

#6 Track Your Smiles

A few weeks back on a particularly hard day, I opened up Facebook to a shocking post from a girl I had played high school tennis with. After a sudden stroke, the blood supply to her left hand was cut off and most of the fingers on her hand were amputated. I stared for a long time at the picture of her in physical therapy, tears on the edge of her eyes.

At that moment, it occurred to me that no matter what my pains or frustrations are, I’m so lucky to have my hands. There are people going through challenges unimaginable to me who are getting up each day feeling grateful to be alive.

One of the best reminders I have of the power of gratitude and positivity is Shane Burcaw, whose blog “Laughing at my Nightmare” I found a few months ago. Shane lives with Spinal Muscular Atrophy, a disease which has kept him in a wheelchair since age 2 and causes his muscles to waste progressively with age.

But that’s not what drew me to Shane’s blog — it was his humor and positivity. I stumbled across his “Weekly Smiles” page in which he shares all of the moments that made him smile that week, from failed cooking experiments to jokes with his wife. In the videos they create together, Shane and Hannah joke about their relationship, little arguments, and how they support each other on a daily basis. And no matter what else is going on in their lives, whenever I see those videos, I just see a loving, hilarious couple enjoying the moment.

There are moments when gratitude or smiling isn’t easy, but it’s always possible. For me it’s usually the smallest things — a warm cup of coffee or a walk — that remind me that no matter what else is happening in my mind, there are far more good things in my life than bad. And once I’m able to remember that, happiness finds me.

What are the things that make you happy in the hardest times?